


Losers in Night Vale

by CaptainAmericaontheTardis



Category: The Losers (2010), Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Alternate Universe, Getting Together, M/M, Pre-Slash, Typical Night Vale Weirdness, Welcome to Night Vale AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-22
Updated: 2014-10-07
Packaged: 2018-02-18 10:43:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2345525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainAmericaontheTardis/pseuds/CaptainAmericaontheTardis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake Jensen is the radio host for the Night Vale community radio and Cougar is the sniper sent to kill him, luckily Jensen's got a few tricks up his sleeve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Loser in Night Vale

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first Cougar/Jensen Fan fiction and if this one gets okay reviews I'll probably continue it at least for a few chapters :)

“Hard working soldiers with good intentions left with nothing but a flaming helicopter full of regret… Welcome to, Night Vale.”

The classic Night Vale radio music began and Jensen gave his manager, Clay, a hard working but always flustered and stressed out man, a thumbs up and then turned back to the mic, 

“Hello, listeners. First off today Mayor Linwood “Pooch” Porteous hosted an impromptu press conference where he addressed the strange noises and lights coming from the dog park, saying 

_“Why, there are no soul shattering shrieks of unbearable pain! I don’t know what you’re talking about! I see no violently flashing red lights that suggests ancient rituals to a long dead god! The dog park is completely still as it does not exist in our minds and should no longer be talked about unless you wish for dire consequences! Dire… Dire.. Consequences Night Vale… So Dire…”_

“He stopped speaking then, ignoring any and all follow up questions and gazing in wonder and delight at the bobbled headed Chihuahua on the podium, shrieking howling at it whenever it went motionless.”

He paused, letting the music play lightly in the gap before continuing, 

“So in light of the mayor Linwood “Pooch” Porteous’s press conference today, remember listeners, no matter what you may think you see or hear coming from within the compounds of the dog park, dogs are not allowed in the dog park. People are not allowed in the dog park. Only hooded figures dwell in the dog park and remember, dear listeners do not think about the dog park and especially do not, I repeat, do not talk about the dog park. 

There was a shuffle of paper over the radio before Jensen carried on in a cheery tone, 

“My manager just handed me a note, it says, in red wax lettering,

**“Stop Talking about the dog park”**

“In light of this recent development, listeners, we will no longer mention, The dog park. And we will forget everything we just heard about, the dog park.”

Jensen went on with the days broadcast in the same cheery and hypnotizing voice, occasionally taking a sip of coffee and making gestures to Clay, causing the man to go red and murderous as Jensen snickered from the booth, never messing up on his announcements. 

………………………………....................................................................................................

Somewhere close by on a building, laying perfectly still in the scorching desert heat of Night Vale, Cougar listened to a small radio, playing the community Night vale show, at his side and looked through the scope of a sniper rifle with complete concentration. At some point during the broadcast he looked down at the little device with Jake Jensen’s voice coming out of it, apparently describing the traffic, and exclaimed to no one but himself, 

“Que demonios es this place?!”

He shook his head and looked back through the scope, the minute he was done with this job he was getting the hell out of this crazy town. Normally Cougar was a master when it came to patience but as he waited for the broadcast to be over, he found himself willing time to go faster as he lay in the terrible heat, fidgeting as he saw some sort of glowing cloud that appeared to be raining dead animals on the horizon. He could take a lot of shit but this place was ridiculous. The voice on the radio, the soft soothing voice on the radio that said such insane things in the most sane way, went deep and concentrated, saying 

“And now, The weather.”

………………………………....................................................................................................

Back in the booth, Jensen twirled happily and carefree, taking off his head set and winking at Clay. The director went pale as Jensen stopped his antics suddenly as he often did, but instead of becoming possessed he simply snapped back into his normal self, only this time with a huge smile on his face. Clay leaning into the microphone, 

“Jensen-- Jensen.. Are you---”

He was stopped short as Jensen twirled in his chair and cut him off, just as the weather ended and the music began again, he looked incredibly pleased with himself as he put his mouth near the mic, and began in his soothing and trained voice. 

“One last thing before we go, listeners, we have a newcomer in town. A shy new comer in town, so from The town of Night Vale and myself, to the beautiful sniper with perfect hair and eyes like an oasis in the desert, with his gun pointed at my head, yes I see you, we welcome you to Night Vale.”

Clay dropped his headphones and stared opened mouthed at the radio host, grinning wickedly into the mic.

……………………………….………………………………..................................................

Cougar snapped his neck away from his target and to the radio, still talking soothingly, at his side. His target never once took his eyes off the mic or the booth, there was absolutely no way he saw the sniper, then again, this place was nuts. He tipped his hat and quickly disbanded the gun, putting it in its carrier and snatching the radio and shutting it off with a violent click. He made to leave, only to look back once at the radio station, saying inquisitively to himself, raising an eyebrow, 

“Did he call me beautiful?”

He shook his head and practically ran for cover, he was eager to leave this town but he wasn’t going to leave a job unfinished either, he wasn’t going to shoot a public figure while he was still on the radio and giving out his position. He would just have to be better next time since he obviously underestimated this target. 

………………………………....................................................................................................

Jensen leaned in terribly close to the mic, with his eyes closed letting the words fall from his mouth, pronouncing every word like molasses, a soft and kind smile on his face as the music died down. 

“--And as always, listeners.. Good night, Night Vale, good night…”


	2. Trapped in Night Vale but Maybe it Could be Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cougar is exhausted, he's given up on the job to kill the radio host of Night Vale and he just wants to get out of this crazy place but every attempt has failed and he has to face the fact that he can either make the best of Night Vale or spend the rest of his life in misery.

“Cats can make over a thousand different sounds and dogs can only make, about ten. Cats. Not to be trusted. Welcome to Night Vale.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The broadcast started and just as the first sounds of music began in the pause, Cougar walked nervously through the doors to the radio station. He looked agitated and without sleep as he glanced around quickly at the surroundings of the station. People bustled by him, paying him no mind doing some kind of work apparently even though he couldn’t tell exactly what any of them were doing with such insistence. He wasn’t armed anymore, in fact, he had absolutely no weapons on him and he seriously didn’t care about the job anymore, he just wanted to get the hell out of this town. This had proven to be even more difficult than actually finding Night Vale, as every time he attempted to drive out on the road he came in on, he would blink and then suddenly he would be on a similar looking road that led back to Night Vale. He had tried everything he could think of to get out but it just sucked him back in and it was taking it’s toll on the sniper.

He had given up on trying to shoot the radio host after nearly a dozen failed attempts that included being smacked in the face by some old woman who was definitely not there a second ago. Also, Jensen seemed to always know where he was and, even stranger, he didn’t seem to care, in fact he would often look directly at Cougar through the scope, smile and wave. If that wasn’t weird enough, Jensen would mention all the time in his show with off handed and flattering comments, ruining any chance of anonymity within the town. But he didn’t care, he just wanted to get out of this godforsaken town. I a place full of insanity, Jensen seemed to be the one with all the answers.

 

Cougar turned a corner and jumped back as someone fell loudly into some kind of hole, this seemed to be the interns break room. Some people passed and looked into the hole but most simply walked around it, completely ignoring the fact that it seemed to be moaning. A moment later and Jensen was addressing the lost intern and conveying the stations sympathies to the family. Cougar shook it off and found what seemed to be a relatively safe spot in the break room and sat down in a corner, constantly observing the happening around him, completely ignored.

“Listeners, we have a special guest in the station today. The beautiful Sniper with the worn hat covering his glossy black hair, snuck into the station just as this broadcast started.”

Cougar cursed silently to himself and put his face in his hands, in a state beyond frustration. Jensen sighed before continuing.

“He’s so quiet, I don’t think everyone even knows where he is but we all, all of us, love having him here. I’m going to switch to my portable equipment, listeners, maybe can get an interview with the charming newcomer..”

Cougar’s eyes shot wide open the instant he heard this on the radio above him and he looked around quickly, trying to figure out where the actual booth was in this place. As Jensen spoke about him several people walked by and smiled at him before going back to their work. He stood up, crouching slightly as he bolted through the hallways, trying to find the exit, he turned a corner and ran straight into Jensen holding a microphone and smiling charismatically.

“Oh! I found him, listeners, or rather, he found me.”

Cougar shook his head tensely and stood rigidly in front of the radio host who asked him a few questions and narrated his actions accordingly as he tensely gestured that he wasn’t going to talk.

“You look really good in that shirt, where did you get it?”

Cougar crossed his arms and backed into the wall, he wasn’t going to do this, he saw an opening next to the host.

“Oh, Never mind listeners, he just bolted off with incredible speed, he is very athletic. And now for a word from our sponsors.”

Cougar found the exit and promptly planted himself next to the door with his back firmly to the brick wall of the building. He rubbed his eyes and looked up just as a terrifying figure walked, no, Floated? Past him, completely ignoring him even as he jumped and exclaimed loudly in Spanish.   
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

He waited there on the wall patiently as the show continued and the evening progressed, even though the weather which started and caused most of the town to stop whatever they were doing and stare at nothing with distant looks in their eyes, even slightly drooling until it ended and Jensen’s voice clearly sounded through the town.

“And as always, dear listeners, Goodnight Night Vale… Goodnight.”

Cougar sighed and shifted where he was sitting to get a better look at the door of the radio station. Much sooner than he expected and the door flung open and Jensen strode past in a bright pink T-Shirt and jeans with a duffle bag strapped over his shoulder. He walked right past Cougar for once which, did actually surprise the sniper and he stood up quickly, following the radio host closely. Jensen continued to walk forward like he had someplace specific to go. He ran forward, tugging on the host’s sleeve. 

“Hey!”

Jensen turned calmly with a pleasant smile, putting his hands in his pockets which was unusual in itself seeing that the radio star rarely stopped moving his hands and arms. 

“Hi, do you want to do that interview?”

Cougar groaned and shook his head swiftly, 

“No, I don’t want to do your stupid interview. Tell me, how do you know where I am?”

Jensen chuckled and kicked the ground, 

“A magician always reveals his secrets, but only to city council and the sheriff’s secret police.”

Cougar’s face went completely blank as he stared at the radio host who seemed to be blushing, he stared at him closely. Maybe he was going crazy but the tattoo of an eye on Jensen’s forehead, just under his bangs, moved, just a little bit, he was sure of it. Cougar’s face went crimson and in a sudden burst of anger he kicked his feet and began yelling at the top of his lungs, shouting curses in Spanish and throwing everything he could find into the sandy dirt. Jenson watched with mild and uncomfortable concern at the normally reserved man’s outcry. He stood with his fists at his side and he spatted something out directly at Jensen before stomping off in his fit, leaving the radio host looking sad behind him.   
………………………………....................................................................................................

Hours later and Cougar was sitting in the trunk of his car staring blankly into the night, the Arby’s sign shown brightly against the void. He heard footsteps near the car and he pulled out a small gun, cocking it and keeping it ready just under his palm. He sighed when Jensen turned the car’s corner and hesitantly came forward almost to face him. Cougar emptied the gun and threw it in the back of the trunk before continuing to stare into the void. 

“You know, if you want to, you can kill me. No seriously, I don’t mind at all, sometimes crazy shit happens to me and then the next thing you know, I’m back in the booth or in my bed and everything was just like a dream. You’re beautiful though, I was just teasing you, I don’t want to mess up your job but I kinda maybe wanted to get your number.. Or give you mine either is fine with me but If you want to shoot me, you know, see if it works that’s fine. I’ve really liked our moments together so this is great, I love staring into the void contemplating the meaninglessness and entirety of the universe….

He said a lot more, in fact he nearly talked for five minutes straight but at some point, Cougar stopped listening, staring at the taller man in a moment of clarity under the Arby’s sign’s light. He looked closely at the way he stood and the way he moved his arms, his blonde spikey hair and his goatee, how at first glance he looked almost juvenile and goofy but really quite pretty if you stared past his over all demeanor. Mostly though he noticed the light in Jensen’s eyes, that never-ending positivism that survived through the horror that was his town, in that moment he knew that he was never going to leave Night Vale. 

“--- And the idea that we could be alone in the universe yet, not be alone, have another soul to lean on and does that actually make us alone in the void, just because some souls are separate, if it’s like they are one does that count as one soul or many souls that are not actually alone because every soul is actually alone and---”

“Shhh!”

Cougar shushed him and rolled his eyes. 

“I don’t want to kill you, idiota.”

Jensen took a step back and looked down with a blush, 

“Oh…”

Cougar patted the spot next to him and beckoned Jensen to come closer, the radio host obeyed and sat down gently next to the sniper. Cougar put a hand on the host’s knee, he took off his hat and put it on the other man’s head before placing a gentle kiss on his cheek and the turning back to the dark sky lit by the Arby’s sign. Jensen said nothing more but laid his head, careful not to knock off the hat, onto Cougar’s shoulder and remained there as they stared into the void.

**Author's Note:**

> Que demonios es this place = What the Hell is this place :)


End file.
